Here's your Baby!

Sophie hit 1227 grams Thursday night and was taken off CPAP at 12 pm Friday. This means that she is breathing completely on her own with no assistance and no extra oxygen. She is doing great. She still has moments of apnea where her oxygen level goes down, but she quickly recovers and does some quick breaths to catch up and bring her oxygen level back up. We are so proud of her. I told her she was the strongest person I know.


The best part of being off of the CPAP is that her face is visible.


We were both so excited to be able to kiss her face and to see her nose and cheeks. When we got there and saw her asleep in her isolette with nothing on her face I was so happy that I cried. I was so happy to see her breathing on her own and sleeping so peacefully. I was so happy that she is older and more able to regulate her breathing. Mostly, I was just in awe of how incredibly beautiful she is. I thought that this must be what it feels like to look at your baby for the first time after you give birth.


So many times since she's been born I've wondered about the "normal" birth experience we had all missed out on. There have been times where I felt cheated out of my pregnancy experience and wished desperately for that "here's your baby" moment that always seems so amazing on TV. Our experience was amazing, but we were never handed a baby to hold and marvel at. This, the first time I've seen my beautiful girl's face almost completely unobstructed, knocked the breath out of me. I feel as though I got my moment. I keep getting my moments. Every day there seems to be some new opportunity to touch her, bathe her, dress her, or change a diaper. We are invited more frequently to take part in her care. This only makes me yearn for her to be home even more.

I don't know what it will take for her to come home. I'm not sure if we are looking at weeks or months. All I know is that every other night, when she gets weighed I pray for that magic number to go up faster. I just want my baby girl home. We both miss her so desperately. Every visit we wash our hands before we go home so that we can smell the soap that reminds us of her. Kie and I both have had excited moments when, late at night, we have found a spot on a hand or on an arm that has remained untainted all night and still smells like Sophie. We close our eyes and inhale it deep while dreaming of the day she will be home with us.